Martyred
by youkai chick supreme
Summary: It's the happiest Riku has seen his friend in a long time, so why is Riku so sad? One-sided RiSo, SoKai.


Disclaimer: I wish I did own it. Sora'd be with Riku, Kairi'd be… nonexistent, and 95 percent of the cast would be flamingly gay. Since none of that is true, I cannot own it, can I?

A/n: Sadly this is what I think is canon. I wish it weren't so, but it kinda is. Enjoy?

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"She said yes! Riku, she said yes!" The door to my room flies open and Sora glides in, all fluttery excitement and wide smiles.

"How did you know I'd even be in?" I know it's a wicked thing for me to do, to respond to his happiness in such a dismissive manner, but I can't help it. Sora pouts and I rush to continue talking, to fix it, before he decides to get pissy. This is big news for him and he's understandably excited. I understand, I really do.

"So you finally worked up the nerve to ask Kairi out. About damn time, So." I swallow the hurt before Sora can see it, plastering the most convincing smirk I can muster up onto my face and hiding behind a childhood nickname. It works, I fool him, because I'm Riku, fooling people is my special skill.

"Riku! Don't be mean." Sora pouts; this time I find it cute.

"Sorry," I half ass, "So when's the big night?"

"This Friday. Dinner and a movie, you know, the standard." He smiles his hundred million (billion) watt smile, the one that makes girls, and me, weak in the knees. I scoot over and make room for him to sit next to me on my bed. He sits just close enough for our knees to touch. I try to push the thought of how nice and right and wonderful the small contact is out of the forefront of my mind. It lingers in the back of my head though. When I notice how uncommonly good he looks among my navy sheets I realize I'm a bit too far gone to do this right now. Still I ask the question I know is expected of me.

"Got an outfit picked out yet?"

"Hah, why do you think I came here? Help me oh fashionista extraordinaire!" He bats his ridiculously long eyelashes at me, and on the inside (only the inside, never anywhere visible) I swoon.

"Gee, my best friend always says the _nicest_ things to me."

"Oh Riku, you know I love you!" Sora wheedles, slipping into an old game that suddenly hurts to even remember.

"Do I?" I slip into 'Ice Princess' mode (note to self, change that code name) because everything's so easy when you don't care. When false confessions don't crush you inside because god you wish they were real.

"Riku! You know you love me too!" Sora cries, one balled up fist punching my shoulder playfully.

"Do I? I don't remember saying that." I want to say it though, I want to so badly.

"Riku!"

"Yea, yea, skip the mushy stuff Sora, save that for Friday, for Kairi." I pause, both devastated and amused by the flushed face my words produce, then continue, "Want to borrow some of my 'sexy' clothes?"

"Riku, all you _own_ is sexy clothes… Got anything that won't make me look like a male prostitute?"

"Uh no, duh. But I swear, that's the look we're going for, chicks love that look. All 'Watch out Kairi! I am here to get into your lacy unmentionables!'"

"Dude, you are so gay." Sora scoffs, ignoring my look of 'No shit, where have you been the past twenty-three years?', and continues, "Who talks like that anyway?"

"Gays apparently." I quip, smug as ever.

"Good point." He pauses, looks serious and for a moment I'm not sure what to expect.

"Riku, are you okay about this?"

He looks at me with those eyes, those fucking eyes I can't deal with, full of honesty and sincerity and I freeze. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, it's just we've all been best friends for what seems like forever, our whole lives! It's weird to think that now Kairi and I are going out. We're actually going out."

"Don't freak out now Sora, you've liked her since senior year, you deserve this."

"I do, don't I?" He smiles, looking like that had never occurred to him until now, that he deserves this, crossing his legs and slumping forward.

"And besides it's not like I've got feelings for her, everything is okay. It's okay for you to be happy Sora. Do you realize that?"

"Same applies to you too Riku. You deserve to be happy too."

"I am happy." It's only a little lie, a lie meant to spare feelings, a good lie, but not believable.

"Riku… Who do you love? Who is it you're chasing. Don't deny it, I can see it sometimes, when you look at me, you're sad. Who is it you want?"

I am truly a fool for never anticipating this, for having no cover story. I should have known Sora could see into my heart quite clearly, that's his special skill after all. Besides, my eyes can't lie.

"I love someone I can't have. A very committed, very straight, guy." I settle on a half-truth. Sora doesn't need a name, especially not his own.

"I'm sorry Riku." It hurts to hear him say that. His next words however, leave me feeling quite stunned stupid.

"Is it Zexion?" I'm too stunned to speak, it's so funny, his guess, I can't even laugh. Just slowly shake my head. It's not that he thinks I could be attracted to Zexion, it's just… Zexion, straight? What could ever give Sora that idea?

"Oh… Is it Tidus?" Sora guesses next, head cocked to the side not unlike a puppy. This guess is almost funnier than the first. It never ceases to amaze me what goes on in Sora's head. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so absurd. I almost wish I was drinking something solely so I could spit it out in shock.

"God, no. Look, it doesn't matter who it is; it only matters that yes, I love him, very much, and no, I can't have him, ever. It's okay Sora, I knew I'd never be able to have him, I'm used to it. I'll be okay." I can't begin to imagine what my face looks like so I try to scrounge up my courage and happiness and look brave, strong, stable. I don't attempt happy because not even I am that good at fooling people. It doesn't matter because Sora isn't buying, if the look of sadness in his eyes is anything to go by.

After sitting in sad silence for a few moments I try to salvage the happy atmosphere we had going before talk turned to me (and ultimately, sadness).

"Didn't you come here to look like a hooker? Let's get on it."

Sora smiles lightly and hops to his feet and over to my closet, opening it and digging in like he owns the room. Honestly, I don't mind. It kind of makes me happy he can be this familiar with me.

He bypasses my jeans (way too long and tight to fit his smaller, muscular thighs; lovely thighs indeed) and goes to my shirts, each tighter and flashier than any of his would be.

"Riku, how the hell does this even _fit_ over your head!" He holds up a particularly small scarlet sweater that looks small enough to fit a prepubescent twelve year old girl.

"It stretches. Want to borrow it? I'm sure it'll fit you like a glove. Chicks really dig that."

"How do you know what chicks like? And no."

I can't help but grin, "Just because I don't like girls doesn't mean I don't know what they like."

"Yea, sure, if you were straight I'm sure the ladies would be all over you like whoa." Sora snorts to himself as I chuck my pillow into his face.

"They still are now!" I can't help but point out as Sora continues to laugh. "It's true! _Everyone_ is attracted to me, I transcend gender! Yes, you know it, I am _that_ hot."

"And so humble, Riku! Can I borrow this one?" After his giggle fit Sora straightens and holds up my favorite shirt ever (not surprisingly my most conservative one too). Simple button up, simple slate blue, but the back is embroidered with a giant silver Celtic cross traversing the shoulders and continuing down the spine. It'll be a little big on him, but I know my Sora will look beyond beautiful in it.

"You know you can. Just do me a favor and wash it before returning it this time, okay?" I answer Sora's stuck out tongue gesture with one of my own.

"K, well, I kind of have to run now, promised Roxas I'd help him with his 'Axel problems.'" Here he rolls his eyes and I laugh quietly. Roxas might deny it and fight it and bitch about it every waking second, but everyone with eyes can see he loves the attention he receives from Axel.

"Sora, good luck and have fun and just relax. It'll be perfect, it'll be the most perfect date in the history of dates. You'll see. I…" I stumble over my words a bit, not knowing if I should say them or not, but I know if I don't say it now I never will.

"Thanks Riku," But I don't have a chance to because Sora is talking and hugging me and, "You're such a good friend, what would I do without you?"

And he leaves with the promise to call me Saturday to give me the 4-1-1 about what happened. And I just nod and grimace behind my curtain of hair and wave as he closes the door behind him. 'Good friend' has never sounded so horrible before.

Walking to my phone I dial Zexy, because he's the only one I can say this to.

"Hello?"

"It happened. They're dating. This Friday. They're going on their first date and I can't even breathe. It really happened." I babble because stringing coherent sentences together is too hard right now.

"He called me a 'good friend' and he smiled so wide and he looked so happy. And I couldn't say it. I couldn't say 'I love you.' I couldn't ruin it for him." I continue without waiting for a response, "I'm doing the right thing, right? By not telling him, and letting them be happy, I'm doing the right thing?"

"Martyrs don't get to complain Riku. It defeats the purpose of being a martyr." Zexion's blunt voice kills the hysteria that wants to well up inside me.

"I know, thanks for talking me down from the proverbial ledge." I sigh out.

"…It's okay to be hurt Riku, but you'll be okay."

"I am okay right now. He looked so happy, and I want him to be happy. I just want him to be happy no matter what. And she makes him so happy. So I'm happy for him. I'm so happy he's happy. I am happy."

Zexion sighs but doesn't question me and I'm glad he can't see me, can't see the few tears that stubbornly refuse to be repressed.

But I'm happy for him, I am. I swear I am.

* * *

End Note: No Bastard!Sora, not this time. Because honestly I don't think Sora's a bastard, I just think he's a little oblivious sometimes. Which could result in something like this fic happening… Hell, it's more realistic than "OMG! Riku! I totally am gay for you too! Let's run off into the sunset together! Yay!"

Hmm, Riku talks in is phone a LOT in my fics, doesn't he? Shit. Oh well. Riku handled everything so well up until the phone call… Then he lost his mind…

I tried to cut back on the in-your-face drama I usually write into these fics. Did it work?

Well, I'd say review, but so few people do that anymore (it's so hard to move that mouse and hit that button! Oh, I understand, poor babies). Bitch mode, deactivated. Peace.


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